Of Human Bondage 人性的枷锁 Chapter 77
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After lunching in the basement of the Medical School Philip went back to his rooms. It was Saturday afternoon, and the landlady1 was cleaning the stairs.
'Is Mr. Griffiths in?' he asked.
'No, sir. He went away this morning, soon after you went out.'
'Isn't he coming back?'
'I don't think so, sir. He's taken his luggage.'
Philip wondered what this could mean. He took a book and began to read. It was Burton's Journey to Meccah, which he had just got out of the Westminster Public Library; and he read the first page, but could make no sense of it, for his mind was elsewhere; he was listening all the time for a ring at the bell. He dared not hope that Griffiths had gone away already, without Mildred, to his home in Cumberland. Mildred would be coming presently for the money. He set his teeth and read on; he tried desperately2 to concentrate his attention; the sentences etched themselves in his brain by the force of his effort, but they were distorted by the agony he was enduring. He wished with all his heart that he had not made the horrible proposition to give them money; but now that he had made it he lacked the strength to go back on it, not on Mildred's account, but on his own. There was a morbid3 obstinacy4 in him which forced him to do the thing he had determined5. He discovered that the three pages he had read had made no impression on him at all; and he went back and started from the beginning: he found himself reading one sentence over and over again; and now it weaved itself in with his thoughts, horribly, like some formula in a nightmare. One thing he could do was to go out and keep away till midnight; they could not go then; and he saw them calling at the house every hour to ask if he was in. He enjoyed the thought of their disappointment. He repeated that sentence to himself mechanically. But he could not do that. Let them come and take the money, and he would know then to what depths of infamy6 it was possible for men to descend7. He could not read any more now. He simply could not see the words. He leaned back in his chair, closing his eyes, and, numb8 with misery9, waited for Mildred.
The landlady came in.
'Will you see Mrs. Miller10, sir?'
'Show her in.'
Philip pulled himself together to receive her without any sign of what he was feeling. He had an impulse to throw himself on his knees and seize her hands and beg her not to go; but he knew there was no way of moving her; she would tell Griffiths what he had said and how he acted. He was ashamed.
'Well, how about the little jaunt11?' he said gaily12.
'We're going. Harry13's outside. I told him you didn't want to see him, so he's kept out of your way. But he wants to know if he can come in just for a minute to say good-bye to you.'
'No, I won't see him,' said Philip.
He could see she did not care if he saw Griffiths or not. Now that she was there he wanted her to go quickly.
'Look here, here's the fiver. I'd like you to go now.'
She took it and thanked him. She turned to leave the room.
'When are you coming back?' he asked.
'Oh, on Monday. Harry must go home then.'
He knew what he was going to say was humiliating, but he was broken down with jealousy14 and desire.
'Then I shall see you, shan't I?'
He could not help the note of appeal in his voice.
'Of course. I'll let you know the moment I'm back.'
He shook hands with her. Through the curtains he watched her jump into a four-wheeler that stood at the door. It rolled away. Then he threw himself on his bed and hid his face in his hands. He felt tears coming to his eyes, and he was angry with himself; he clenched15 his hands and screwed up his body to prevent them; but he could not; and great painful sobs16 were forced from him.
He got up at last, exhausted17 and ashamed, and washed his face. He mixed himself a strong whiskey and soda18. It made him feel a little better. Then he caught sight of the tickets to Paris, which were on the chimney-piece, and, seizing them, with an impulse of rage he flung them in the fire. He knew he could have got the money back on them, but it relieved him to destroy them. Then he went out in search of someone to be with. The club was empty. He felt he would go mad unless he found someone to talk to; but Lawson was abroad; he went on to Hayward's rooms: the maid who opened the door told him that he had gone down to Brighton for the week-end. Then Philip went to a gallery and found it was just closing. He did not know what to do. He was distracted. And he thought of Griffiths and Mildred going to Oxford19, sitting opposite one another in the train, happy. He went back to his rooms, but they filled him with horror, he had been so wretched in them; he tried once more to read Burton's book, but, as he read, he told himself again and again what a fool he had been; it was he who had made the suggestion that they should go away, he had offered the money, he had forced it upon them; he might have known what would happen when he introduced Griffiths to Mildred; his own vehement20 passion was enough to arouse the other's desire. By this time they had reached Oxford. They would put up in one of the lodging-houses in John Street; Philip had never been to Oxford, but Griffiths had talked to him about it so much that he knew exactly where they would go; and they would dine at the Clarendon: Griffiths had been in the habit of dining there when he went on the spree. Philip got himself something to eat in a restaurant near Charing21 Cross; he had made up his mind to go to a play, and afterwards he fought his way into the pit of a theatre at which one of Oscar Wilde's pieces was being performed. He wondered if Mildred and Griffiths would go to a play that evening: they must kill the evening somehow; they were too stupid, both of them to content themselves with conversation: he got a fierce delight in reminding himself of the vulgarity of their minds which suited them so exactly to one another. He watched the play with an abstracted mind, trying to give himself gaiety by drinking whiskey in each interval22; he was unused to alcohol, and it affected23 him quickly, but his drunkenness was savage24 and morose25. When the play was over he had another drink. He could not go to bed, he knew he would not sleep, and he dreaded26 the pictures which his vivid imagination would place before him. He tried not to think of them. He knew he had drunk too much. Now he was seized with a desire to do horrible, sordid27 things; he wanted to roll himself in gutters28; his whole being yearned29 for beastliness; he wanted to grovel30.
He walked up Piccadilly, dragging his club-foot, sombrely drunk, with rage and misery clawing at his heart. He was stopped by a painted harlot, who put her hand on his arm; he pushed her violently away with brutal31 words. He walked on a few steps and then stopped. She would do as well as another. He was sorry he had spoken so roughly to her. He went up to her.
'I say,' he began.
'Go to hell,' she said.
Philip laughed.
'I merely wanted to ask if you'd do me the honour of supping with me tonight.'
She looked at him with amazement32, and hesitated for a while. She saw he was drunk.
'I don't mind.'
He was amused that she should use a phrase he had heard so often on Mildred's lips. He took her to one of the restaurants he had been in the habit of going to with Mildred. He noticed as they walked along that she looked down at his limb.
'I've got a club-foot,' he said. 'Have you any objection?'
'You are a cure,' she laughed.
When he got home his bones were aching, and in his head there was a hammering that made him nearly scream. He took another whiskey and soda to steady himself, and going to bed sank into a dreamless sleep till mid-day.


1 landlady t2ZxE     
  • I heard my landlady creeping stealthily up to my door.我听到我的女房东偷偷地来到我的门前。
  • The landlady came over to serve me.女店主过来接待我。
2 desperately cu7znp     
  • He was desperately seeking a way to see her again.他正拼命想办法再见她一面。
  • He longed desperately to be back at home.他非常渴望回家。
3 morbid u6qz3     
  • Some people have a morbid fascination with crime.一些人对犯罪有一种病态的痴迷。
  • It's morbid to dwell on cemeteries and such like.不厌其烦地谈论墓地以及诸如此类的事是一种病态。
4 obstinacy C0qy7     
  • It is a very accountable obstinacy.这是一种完全可以理解的固执态度。
  • Cindy's anger usually made him stand firm to the point of obstinacy.辛迪一发怒,常常使他坚持自见,并达到执拗的地步。
5 determined duszmP     
  • I have determined on going to Tibet after graduation.我已决定毕业后去西藏。
  • He determined to view the rooms behind the office.他决定查看一下办公室后面的房间。
6 infamy j71x2     
  • They may grant you power,honour,and riches but afflict you with servitude,infamy,and poverty.他们可以给你权力、荣誉和财富,但却用奴役、耻辱和贫穷来折磨你。
  • Traitors are held in infamy.叛徒为人所不齿。
7 descend descend     
  • I hope the grace of God would descend on me.我期望上帝的恩惠。
  • We're not going to descend to such methods.我们不会沦落到使用这种手段。
8 numb 0RIzK     
  • His fingers were numb with cold.他的手冻得发麻。
  • Numb with cold,we urged the weary horses forward.我们冻得发僵,催着疲惫的马继续往前走。
9 misery G10yi     
  • Business depression usually causes misery among the working class.商业不景气常使工薪阶层受苦。
  • He has rescued me from the mire of misery.他把我从苦海里救了出来。
10 miller ZD6xf     
  • Every miller draws water to his own mill.磨坊主都往自己磨里注水。
  • The skilful miller killed millions of lions with his ski.技术娴熟的磨坊主用雪橇杀死了上百万头狮子。
11 jaunt F3dxj     
  • They are off for a day's jaunt to the beach.他们出去到海边玩一天。
  • They jaunt about quite a lot,especially during the summer.他们常常到处闲逛,夏天更是如此。
12 gaily lfPzC     
  • The children sing gaily.孩子们欢唱着。
  • She waved goodbye very gaily.她欢快地挥手告别。
13 harry heBxS     
  • Today,people feel more hurried and harried.今天,人们感到更加忙碌和苦恼。
  • Obama harried business by Healthcare Reform plan.奥巴马用医改掠夺了商界。
14 jealousy WaRz6     
  • Some women have a disposition to jealousy.有些女人生性爱妒忌。
  • I can't support your jealousy any longer.我再也无法忍受你的嫉妒了。
15 clenched clenched     
v.紧握,抓紧,咬紧( clench的过去式和过去分词 )
  • He clenched his fists in anger. 他愤怒地攥紧了拳头。
  • She clenched her hands in her lap to hide their trembling. 她攥紧双手放在腿上,以掩饰其颤抖。 来自《简明英汉词典》
16 sobs d4349f86cad43cb1a5579b1ef269d0cb     
啜泣(声),呜咽(声)( sob的名词复数 )
  • She was struggling to suppress her sobs. 她拼命不让自己哭出来。
  • She burst into a convulsive sobs. 她突然抽泣起来。
17 exhausted 7taz4r     
  • It was a long haul home and we arrived exhausted.搬运回家的这段路程特别长,到家时我们已筋疲力尽。
  • Jenny was exhausted by the hustle of city life.珍妮被城市生活的忙乱弄得筋疲力尽。
18 soda cr3ye     
  • She doesn't enjoy drinking chocolate soda.她不喜欢喝巧克力汽水。
  • I will freshen your drink with more soda and ice cubes.我给你的饮料重加一些苏打水和冰块。
19 Oxford Wmmz0a     
  • At present he has become a Professor of Chemistry at Oxford.他现在已是牛津大学的化学教授了。
  • This is where the road to Oxford joins the road to London.这是去牛津的路与去伦敦的路的汇合处。
20 vehement EL4zy     
  • She made a vehement attack on the government's policies.她强烈谴责政府的政策。
  • His proposal met with vehement opposition.他的倡导遭到了激烈的反对。
21 charing 188ca597d1779221481bda676c00a9be     
n.炭化v.把…烧成炭,把…烧焦( char的现在分词 );烧成炭,烧焦;做杂役女佣
  • We married in the chapel of Charing Cross Hospital in London. 我们是在伦敦查令十字医院的小教堂里结的婚。 来自辞典例句
  • No additional charge for children under12 charing room with parents. ☆十二岁以下小童与父母同房不另收费。 来自互联网
22 interval 85kxY     
  • The interval between the two trees measures 40 feet.这两棵树的间隔是40英尺。
  • There was a long interval before he anwsered the telephone.隔了好久他才回了电话。
23 affected TzUzg0     
  • She showed an affected interest in our subject.她假装对我们的课题感到兴趣。
  • His manners are affected.他的态度不自然。
24 savage ECxzR     
  • The poor man received a savage beating from the thugs.那可怜的人遭到暴徒的痛打。
  • He has a savage temper.他脾气粗暴。
25 morose qjByA     
  • He was silent and morose.他沉默寡言、郁郁寡欢。
  • The publicity didn't make him morose or unhappy?公开以后,没有让他郁闷或者不开心吗?
26 dreaded XuNzI3     
adj.令人畏惧的;害怕的v.害怕,恐惧,担心( dread的过去式和过去分词)
  • The dreaded moment had finally arrived. 可怕的时刻终于来到了。
  • He dreaded having to spend Christmas in hospital. 他害怕非得在医院过圣诞节不可。 来自《用法词典》
27 sordid PrLy9     
  • He depicts the sordid and vulgar sides of life exclusively.他只描写人生肮脏和庸俗的一面。
  • They lived in a sordid apartment.他们住在肮脏的公寓房子里。
28 gutters 498deb49a59c1db2896b69c1523f128c     
(路边)排水沟( gutter的名词复数 ); 阴沟; (屋顶的)天沟; 贫贱的境地
  • Gutters lead the water into the ditch. 排水沟把水排到这条水沟里。
  • They were born, they grew up in the gutters. 他们生了下来,以后就在街头长大。
29 yearned df1a28ecd1f3c590db24d0d80c264305     
渴望,切盼,向往( yearn的过去式和过去分词 )
  • The people yearned for peace. 人民渴望和平。
  • She yearned to go back to the south. 她渴望回到南方去。
30 grovel VfixY     
  • He said he would never grovel before a conqueror.他说他永远不会在征服者脚下摇尾乞怜。
  • You will just have to grovel to the bank manager for a loan.你只得低声下气地向银行经理借贷。
31 brutal bSFyb     
  • She has to face the brutal reality.她不得不去面对冷酷的现实。
  • They're brutal people behind their civilised veneer.他们表面上温文有礼,骨子里却是野蛮残忍。
32 amazement 7zlzBK     
  • All those around him looked at him with amazement.周围的人都对他投射出惊异的眼光。
  • He looked at me in blank amazement.他带着迷茫惊诧的神情望着我。
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