Of Human Bondage 人性的枷锁 Chapter 76
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Next day, in the afternoon, Philip sat in his room and wondered whether Mildred would come. He had slept badly. He had spent the morning in the club of the Medical School, reading one newspaper after another. It was the vacation and few students he knew were in London, but he found one or two people to talk to, he played a game of chess, and so wore out the tedious hours. After luncheon1 he felt so tired, his head was aching so, that he went back to his lodgings2 and lay down; he tried to read a novel. He had not seen Griffiths. He was not in when Philip returned the night before; he heard him come back, but he did not as usual look into Philip's room to see if he was asleep; and in the morning Philip heard him go out early. It was clear that he wanted to avoid him. Suddenly there was a light tap at his door. Philip sprang to his feet and opened it. Mildred stood on the threshold. She did not move.
'Come in,' said Philip.
He closed the door after her. She sat down. She hesitated to begin.
'Thank you for giving me that two shillings last night,' she said.
'Oh, that's all right.'
She gave him a faint smile. It reminded Philip of the timid, ingratiating look of a puppy that has been beaten for naughtiness and wants to reconcile himself with his master.
'I've been lunching with Harry3,' she said.
'Have you?'
'If you still want me to go away with you on Saturday, Philip, I'll come.'
A quick thrill of triumph shot through his heart, but it was a sensation that only lasted an instant; it was followed by a suspicion.
'Because of the money?' he asked.
'Partly,' she answered simply. 'Harry can't do anything. He owes five weeks here, and he owes you seven pounds, and his tailor's pressing him for money. He'd pawn4 anything he could, but he's pawned5 everything already. I had a job to put the woman off about my new dress, and on Saturday there's the book at my lodgings, and I can't get work in five minutes. It always means waiting some little time till there's a vacancy6.'
She said all this in an even, querulous tone, as though she were recounting the injustices7 of fate, which had to be borne as part of the natural order of things. Philip did not answer. He knew what she told him well enough.
'You said partly,' he observed at last.
'Well, Harry says you've been a brick to both of us. You've been a real good friend to him, he says, and you've done for me what p'raps no other man would have done. We must do the straight thing, he says. And he said what you said about him, that he's fickle8 by nature, he's not like you, and I should be a fool to throw you away for him. He won't last and you will, he says so himself.'
'D'you WANT to come away with me?' asked Philip.
'I don't mind.'
He looked at her, and the corners of his mouth turned down in an expression of misery9. He had triumphed indeed, and he was going to have his way. He gave a little laugh of derision at his own humiliation10. She looked at him quickly, but did not speak.
'I've looked forward with all my soul to going away with you, and I thought at last, after all that wretchedness, I was going to be happy...'
He did not finish what he was going to say. And then on a sudden, without warning, Mildred broke into a storm of tears. She was sitting in the chair in which Norah had sat and wept, and like her she hid her face on the back of it, towards the side where there was a little bump formed by the sagging11 in the middle, where the head had rested.
'I'm not lucky with women,' thought Philip.
Her thin body was shaken with sobs12. Philip had never seen a woman cry with such an utter abandonment. It was horribly painful, and his heart was torn. Without realising what he did, he went up to her and put his arms round her; she did not resist, but in her wretchedness surrendered herself to his comforting. He whispered to her little words of solace13. He scarcely knew what he was saying, he bent14 over her and kissed her repeatedly.
'Are you awfully15 unhappy?' he said at last.
'I wish I was dead,' she moaned. 'I wish I'd died when the baby come.'
Her hat was in her way, and Philip took it off for her. He placed her head more comfortably in the chair, and then he went and sat down at the table and looked at her.
'It is awful, love, isn't it?' he said. 'Fancy anyone wanting to be in love.'
Presently the violence of her sobbing16 diminished and she sat in the chair, exhausted17, with her head thrown back and her arms hanging by her side. She had the grotesque18 look of one of those painters' dummies19 used to hang draperies on.
'I didn't know you loved him so much as all that,' said Philip.
He understood Griffiths' love well enough, for he put himself in Griffiths' place and saw with his eyes, touched with his hands; he was able to think himself in Griffiths' body, and he kissed her with his lips, smiled at her with his smiling blue eyes. It was her emotion that surprised him. He had never thought her capable of passion, and this was passion: there was no mistaking it. Something seemed to give way in his heart; it really felt to him as though something were breaking, and he felt strangely weak.
'I don't want to make you unhappy. You needn't come away with me if you don't want to. I'll give you the money all the same.'
She shook her head.
'No, I said I'd come, and I'll come.'
'What's the good, if you're sick with love for him?'
'Yes, that's the word. I'm sick with love. I know it won't last, just as well as he does, but just now...'
She paused and shut her eyes as though she were going to faint. A strange idea came to Philip, and he spoke20 it as it came, without stopping to think it out.
'Why don't you go away with him?'
'How can I? You know we haven't got the money.'
'I'll give you the money"
She sat up and looked at him. Her eyes began to shine, and the colour came into her cheeks.
'Perhaps the best thing would be to get it over, and then you'd come back to me.'
Now that he had made the suggestion he was sick with anguish21, and yet the torture of it gave him a strange, subtle sensation. She stared at him with open eyes.
'Oh, how could we, on your money? Harry wouldn't think of it.'
'Oh yes, he would, if you persuaded him.'
Her objections made him insist, and yet he wanted her with all his heart to refuse vehemently22.
'I'll give you a fiver, and you can go away from Saturday to Monday. You could easily do that. On Monday he's going home till he takes up his appointment at the North London.'
'Oh, Philip, do you mean that?' she cried, clasping her hands. 'if you could only let us go—I would love you so much afterwards, I'd do anything for you. I'm sure I shall get over it if you'll only do that. Would you really give us the money?'
'Yes,' he said.
She was entirely23 changed now. She began to laugh. He could see that she was insanely happy. She got up and knelt down by Philip's side, taking his hands.
'You are a brick, Philip. You're the best fellow I've ever known. Won't you be angry with me afterwards?'
He shook his head, smiling, but with what agony in his heart!
'May I go and tell Harry now? And can I say to him that you don't mind? He won't consent unless you promise it doesn't matter. Oh, you don't know how I love him! And afterwards I'll do anything you like. I'll come over to Paris with you or anywhere on Monday.'
She got up and put on her hat.
'Where are you going?'
'I'm going to ask him if he'll take me.'
'D'you want me to stay? I'll stay if you like.'
She sat down, but he gave a little laugh.
'No, it doesn't matter, you'd better go at once. There's only one thing: I can't bear to see Griffiths just now, it would hurt me too awfully. Say I have no ill-feeling towards him or anything like that, but ask him to keep out of my way.'
'All right.' She sprang up and put on her gloves. 'I'll let you know what he says.'
'You'd better dine with me tonight.'
'Very well.'
She put up her face for him to kiss her, and when he pressed his lips to hers she threw her arms round his neck.
'You are a darling, Philip.'
She sent him a note a couple of hours later to say that she had a headache and could not dine with him. Philip had almost expected it. He knew that she was dining with Griffiths. He was horribly jealous, but the sudden passion which had seized the pair of them seemed like something that had come from the outside, as though a god had visited them with it, and he felt himself helpless. It seemed so natural that they should love one another. He saw all the advantages that Griffiths had over himself and confessed that in Mildred's place he would have done as Mildred did. What hurt him most was Griffiths' treachery; they had been such good friends, and Griffiths knew how passionately25 devoted26 he was to Mildred: he might have spared him.
He did not see Mildred again till Friday; he was sick for a sight of her by then; but when she came and he realised that he had gone out of her thoughts entirely, for they were engrossed27 in Griffiths, he suddenly hated her. He saw now why she and Griffiths loved one another, Griffiths was stupid, oh so stupid! he had known that all along, but had shut his eyes to it, stupid and empty-headed: that charm of his concealed28 an utter selfishness; he was willing to sacrifice anyone to his appetites. And how inane29 was the life he led, lounging about bars and drinking in music halls, wandering from one light amour to another! He never read a book, he was blind to everything that was not frivolous30 and vulgar; he had never a thought that was fine: the word most common on his lips was smart; that was his highest praise for man or woman. Smart! It was no wonder he pleased Mildred. They suited one another.
Philip talked to Mildred of things that mattered to neither of them. He knew she wanted to speak of Griffiths, but he gave her no opportunity. He did not refer to the fact that two evenings before she had put off dining with him on a trivial excuse. He was casual with her, trying to make her think he was suddenly grown indifferent; and he exercised peculiar31 skill in saying little things which he knew would wound her; but which were so indefinite, so delicately cruel, that she could not take exception to them. At last she got up.
'I think I must be going off now,' she said.
'I daresay you've got a lot to do,' he answered.
She held out her hand, he took it, said good-bye, and opened the door for her. He knew what she wanted to speak about, and he knew also that his cold, ironical32 air intimidated33 her. Often his shyness made him seem so frigid34 that unintentionally he frightened people, and, having discovered this, he was able when occasion arose to assume the same manner.
'You haven't forgotten what you promised?' she said at last, as he held open the door.
'What is that?'
'About the money"
'How much d'you want?'
He spoke with an icy deliberation which made his words peculiarly offensive. Mildred flushed. He knew she hated him at that moment, and he wondered at the self-control by which she prevented herself from flying out at him. He wanted to make her suffer.
'There's the dress and the book tomorrow. That's all. Harry won't come, so we shan't want money for that.'
Philip's heart gave a great thud against his ribs35, and he let the door handle go. The door swung to.
'Why not?'
'He says we couldn't, not on your money.'
A devil seized Philip, a devil of self-torture which was always lurking36 within him, and, though with all his soul he wished that Griffiths and Mildred should not go away together, he could not help himself; he set himself to persuade Griffiths through her.
'I don't see why not, if I'm willing,' he said.
'That's what I told him.'
'I should have thought if he really wanted to go he wouldn't hesitate.'
'Oh, it's not that, he wants to all right. He'd go at once if he had the money.'
'If he's squeamish about it I'll give YOU the money.'
'I said you'd lend it if he liked, and we'd pay it back as soon as we could.'
'It's rather a change for you going on your knees to get a man to take you away for a week-end.'
'It is rather, isn't it?' she said, with a shameless little laugh. It sent a cold shudder37 down Philip's spine38.
'What are you going to do then?' he asked.
'Nothing. He's going home tomorrow. He must.'
That would be Philip's salvation39. With Griffiths out of the way he could get Mildred back. She knew no one in London, she would be thrown on to his society, and when they were alone together he could soon make her forget this infatuation. If he said nothing more he was safe. But he had a fiendish desire to break down their scruples40, he wanted to know how abominably41 they could behave towards him; if he tempted42 them a little more they would yield, and he took a fierce joy at the thought of their dishonour43. Though every word he spoke tortured him, he found in the torture a horrible delight.
'It looks as if it were now or never.'
'That's what I told him,' she said.
There was a passionate24 note in her voice which struck Philip. He was biting his nails in his nervousness.
'Where were you thinking of going?'
'Oh, to Oxford44. He was at the 'Varsity there, you know. He said he'd show me the colleges.'
Philip remembered that once he had suggested going to Oxford for the day, and she had expressed firmly the boredom45 she felt at the thought of sights.
'And it looks as if you'd have fine weather. It ought to be very jolly there just now.'
'I've done all I could to persuade him.'
'Why don't you have another try?'
'Shall I say you want us to go?'
'I don't think you must go as far as that,' said Philip.
She paused for a minute or two, looking at him. Philip forced himself to look at her in a friendly way. He hated her, he despised her, he loved her with all his heart.
'I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll go and see if he can't arrange it. And then, if he says yes, I'll come and fetch the money tomorrow. When shall you be in?'
'I'll come back here after luncheon and wait.'
'All right.'
'I'll give you the money for your dress and your room now.'
He went to his desk and took out what money he had. The dress was six guineas; there was besides her rent and her food, and the baby's keep for a week. He gave her eight pounds ten.
'Thanks very much,' she said.
She left him.


1 luncheon V8az4     
  • We have luncheon at twelve o'clock.我们十二点钟用午餐。
  • I have a luncheon engagement.我午饭有约。
2 lodgings f12f6c99e9a4f01e5e08b1197f095e6e     
n. 出租的房舍, 寄宿舍
  • When he reached his lodgings the sun had set. 他到达公寓房间时,太阳已下山了。
  • I'm on the hunt for lodgings. 我正在寻找住所。
3 harry heBxS     
  • Today,people feel more hurried and harried.今天,人们感到更加忙碌和苦恼。
  • Obama harried business by Healthcare Reform plan.奥巴马用医改掠夺了商界。
4 pawn 8ixyq     
  • He is contemplating pawning his watch.他正在考虑抵押他的手表。
  • It looks as though he is being used as a political pawn by the President.看起来他似乎被总统当作了政治卒子。
5 pawned 4a07cbcf19a45badd623a582bf8ca213     
v.典当,抵押( pawn的过去式和过去分词 );以(某事物)担保
  • He pawned his gold watch to pay the rent. 他抵当了金表用以交租。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • She has redeemed her pawned jewellery. 她赎回了当掉的珠宝。 来自《简明英汉词典》
6 vacancy EHpy7     
  • Her going on maternity leave will create a temporary vacancy.她休产假时将会有一个临时空缺。
  • The vacancy of her expression made me doubt if she was listening.她茫然的神情让我怀疑她是否在听。
7 injustices 47618adc5b0dbc9166e4f2523e1d217c     
不公平( injustice的名词复数 ); 非正义; 待…不公正; 冤枉
  • One who committed many injustices is doomed to failure. 多行不义必自毙。
  • He felt confident that his injustices would be righted. 他相信他的冤屈会受到昭雪的。
8 fickle Lg9zn     
  • Fluctuating prices usually base on a fickle public's demand.物价的波动往往是由于群众需求的不稳定而引起的。
  • The weather is so fickle in summer.夏日的天气如此多变。
9 misery G10yi     
  • Business depression usually causes misery among the working class.商业不景气常使工薪阶层受苦。
  • He has rescued me from the mire of misery.他把我从苦海里救了出来。
10 humiliation Jd3zW     
  • He suffered the humiliation of being forced to ask for his cards.他蒙受了被迫要求辞职的羞辱。
  • He will wish to revenge his humiliation in last Season's Final.他会为在上个季度的决赛中所受的耻辱而报复的。
11 sagging 2cd7acc35feffadbb3241d569f4364b2     
  • The morale of the enemy troops is continuously sagging. 敌军的士气不断低落。
  • We are sagging south. 我们的船正离开航线向南漂流。
12 sobs d4349f86cad43cb1a5579b1ef269d0cb     
啜泣(声),呜咽(声)( sob的名词复数 )
  • She was struggling to suppress her sobs. 她拼命不让自己哭出来。
  • She burst into a convulsive sobs. 她突然抽泣起来。
13 solace uFFzc     
  • They sought solace in religion from the harshness of their everyday lives.他们日常生活很艰难,就在宗教中寻求安慰。
  • His acting career took a nosedive and he turned to drink for solace.演艺事业突然一落千丈,他便借酒浇愁。
14 bent QQ8yD     
  • He was fully bent upon the project.他一心扑在这项计划上。
  • We bent over backward to help them.我们尽了最大努力帮助他们。
15 awfully MPkym     
  • Agriculture was awfully neglected in the past.过去农业遭到严重忽视。
  • I've been feeling awfully bad about it.对这我一直感到很难受。
16 sobbing df75b14f92e64fc9e1d7eaf6dcfc083a     
<主方>Ⅰ adj.湿透的
  • I heard a child sobbing loudly. 我听见有个孩子在呜呜地哭。
  • Her eyes were red with recent sobbing. 她的眼睛因刚哭过而发红。
17 exhausted 7taz4r     
  • It was a long haul home and we arrived exhausted.搬运回家的这段路程特别长,到家时我们已筋疲力尽。
  • Jenny was exhausted by the hustle of city life.珍妮被城市生活的忙乱弄得筋疲力尽。
18 grotesque O6ryZ     
  • His face has a grotesque appearance.他的面部表情十分怪。
  • Her account of the incident was a grotesque distortion of the truth.她对这件事的陈述是荒诞地歪曲了事实。
19 dummies e634eb20db508e3a31b61481a251bf93     
n.仿制品( dummy的名词复数 );橡皮奶头;笨蛋;假传球
  • If he dummies up, just try a little persuasion. 如果他不说话,稍微劝劝他就是了。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • All the articles in the window are dummies. 橱窗里的全部物品都是仿制品。 来自《简明英汉词典》
20 spoke XryyC     
n.(车轮的)辐条;轮辐;破坏某人的计划;阻挠某人的行动 v.讲,谈(speak的过去式);说;演说;从某种观点来说
  • They sourced the spoke nuts from our company.他们的轮辐螺帽是从我们公司获得的。
  • The spokes of a wheel are the bars that connect the outer ring to the centre.辐条是轮子上连接外圈与中心的条棒。
21 anguish awZz0     
  • She cried out for anguish at parting.分手时,她由于痛苦而失声大哭。
  • The unspeakable anguish wrung his heart.难言的痛苦折磨着他的心。
22 vehemently vehemently     
adv. 热烈地
  • He argued with his wife so vehemently that he talked himself hoarse. 他和妻子争论得很激烈,以致讲话的声音都嘶哑了。
  • Both women vehemently deny the charges against them. 两名妇女都激烈地否认了对她们的指控。
23 entirely entirely     
  • The fire was entirely caused by their neglect of duty. 那场火灾完全是由于他们失职而引起的。
  • His life was entirely given up to the educational work. 他的一生统统献给了教育工作。
24 passionate rLDxd     
  • He is said to be the most passionate man.据说他是最有激情的人。
  • He is very passionate about the project.他对那个项目非常热心。
25 passionately YmDzQ4     
  • She could hate as passionately as she could love. 她能恨得咬牙切齿,也能爱得一往情深。
  • He was passionately addicted to pop music. 他酷爱流行音乐。
26 devoted xu9zka     
  • He devoted his life to the educational cause of the motherland.他为祖国的教育事业贡献了一生。
  • We devoted a lengthy and full discussion to this topic.我们对这个题目进行了长时间的充分讨论。
27 engrossed 3t0zmb     
  • The student is engrossed in his book.这名学生正在专心致志地看书。
  • No one had ever been quite so engrossed in an evening paper.没人会对一份晚报如此全神贯注。
28 concealed 0v3zxG     
  • The paintings were concealed beneath a thick layer of plaster. 那些画被隐藏在厚厚的灰泥层下面。
  • I think he had a gun concealed about his person. 我认为他当时身上藏有一支枪。
29 inane T4mye     
  • She started asking me inane questions.她开始问我愚蠢的问题。
  • Such comments are inane because they don't help us solve our problem.这种评论纯属空洞之词,不能帮助我们解决问题。
30 frivolous YfWzi     
  • This is a frivolous way of attacking the problem.这是一种轻率敷衍的处理问题的方式。
  • He spent a lot of his money on frivolous things.他在一些无聊的事上花了好多钱。
31 peculiar cinyo     
  • He walks in a peculiar fashion.他走路的样子很奇特。
  • He looked at me with a very peculiar expression.他用一种很奇怪的表情看着我。
32 ironical F4QxJ     
  • That is a summary and ironical end.那是一个具有概括性和讽刺意味的结局。
  • From his general demeanour I didn't get the impression that he was being ironical.从他整体的行为来看,我不觉得他是在讲反话。
33 intimidated 69a1f9d1d2d295a87a7e68b3f3fbd7d5     
  • We try to make sure children don't feel intimidated on their first day at school. 我们努力确保孩子们在上学的第一天不胆怯。
  • The thief intimidated the boy into not telling the police. 这个贼恫吓那男孩使他不敢向警察报告。 来自《简明英汉词典》
34 frigid TfBzl     
  • The water was too frigid to allow him to remain submerged for long.水冰冷彻骨,他在下面呆不了太长时间。
  • She returned his smile with a frigid glance.对他的微笑她报以冷冷的一瞥。
35 ribs 24fc137444401001077773555802b280     
n.肋骨( rib的名词复数 );(船或屋顶等的)肋拱;肋骨状的东西;(织物的)凸条花纹
  • He suffered cracked ribs and bruising. 他断了肋骨还有挫伤。
  • Make a small incision below the ribs. 在肋骨下方切开一个小口。
36 lurking 332fb85b4d0f64d0e0d1ef0d34ebcbe7     
  • Why are you lurking around outside my house? 你在我房子外面鬼鬼祟祟的,想干什么?
  • There is a suspicious man lurking in the shadows. 有一可疑的人躲在阴暗中。 来自《现代英汉综合大词典》
37 shudder JEqy8     
  • The sight of the coffin sent a shudder through him.看到那副棺材,他浑身一阵战栗。
  • We all shudder at the thought of the dreadful dirty place.我们一想到那可怕的肮脏地方就浑身战惊。
38 spine lFQzT     
  • He broke his spine in a fall from a horse.他从马上跌下摔断了脊梁骨。
  • His spine developed a slight curve.他的脊柱有点弯曲。
39 salvation nC2zC     
  • Salvation lay in political reform.解救办法在于政治改革。
  • Christians hope and pray for salvation.基督教徒希望并祈祷灵魂得救。
40 scruples 14d2b6347f5953bad0a0c5eebf78068a     
n.良心上的不安( scruple的名词复数 );顾虑,顾忌v.感到于心不安,有顾忌( scruple的第三人称单数 )
  • I overcame my moral scruples. 我抛开了道德方面的顾虑。
  • I'm not ashamed of my scruples about your family. They were natural. 我并未因为对你家人的顾虑而感到羞耻。这种感觉是自然而然的。 来自疯狂英语突破英语语调
41 abominably 71996a6a63478f424db0cdd3fd078878     
adv. 可恶地,可恨地,恶劣地
  • From her own point of view Barbara had behaved abominably. 在她看来,芭芭拉的表现是恶劣的。
  • He wanted to know how abominably they could behave towards him. 他希望能知道他们能用什么样的卑鄙手段来对付他。
42 tempted b0182e969d369add1b9ce2353d3c6ad6     
  • I was sorely tempted to complain, but I didn't. 我极想发牢骚,但还是没开口。
  • I was tempted by the dessert menu. 甜食菜单馋得我垂涎欲滴。
43 dishonour dishonour     
  • There's no dishonour in losing.失败并不是耻辱。
  • He would rather die than live in dishonour.他宁死不愿忍辱偷生。
44 Oxford Wmmz0a     
  • At present he has become a Professor of Chemistry at Oxford.他现在已是牛津大学的化学教授了。
  • This is where the road to Oxford joins the road to London.这是去牛津的路与去伦敦的路的汇合处。
45 boredom ynByy     
  • Unemployment can drive you mad with boredom.失业会让你无聊得发疯。
  • A walkman can relieve the boredom of running.跑步时带着随身听就不那么乏味了。
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