Of Human Bondage 人性的枷锁 Chapter 78
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At last Monday came, and Philip thought his long torture was over. Looking out the trains he found that the latest by which Griffiths could reach home that night left Oxford1 soon after one, and he supposed that Mildred would take one which started a few minutes later to bring her to London. His desire was to go and meet it, but he thought Mildred would like to be left alone for a day; perhaps she would drop him a line in the evening to say she was back, and if not he would call at her lodgings2 next morning: his spirit was cowed. He felt a bitter hatred3 for Griffiths, but for Mildred, notwithstanding all that had passed, only a heart-rending desire. He was glad now that Hayward was not in London on Saturday afternoon when, distraught, he went in search of human comfort: he could not have prevented himself from telling him everything, and Hayward would have been astonished at his weakness. He would despise him, and perhaps be shocked or disgusted that he could envisage4 the possibility of making Mildred his mistress after she had given herself to another man. What did he care if it was shocking or disgusting? He was ready for any compromise, prepared for more degrading humiliations still, if he could only gratify his desire.
Towards the evening his steps took him against his will to the house in which she lived, and he looked up at her window. It was dark. He did not venture to ask if she was back. He was confident in her promise. But there was no letter from her in the morning, and, when about mid-day he called, the maid told him she had not arrived. He could not understand it. He knew that Griffiths would have been obliged to go home the day before, for he was to be best man at a wedding, and Mildred had no money. He turned over in his mind every possible thing that might have happened. He went again in the afternoon and left a note, asking her to dine with him that evening as calmly as though the events of the last fortnight had not happened. He mentioned the place and time at which they were to meet, and hoping against hope kept the appointment: though he waited for an hour she did not come. On Wednesday morning he was ashamed to ask at the house and sent a messenger-boy with a letter and instructions to bring back a reply; but in an hour the boy came back with Philip's letter unopened and the answer that the lady had not returned from the country. Philip was beside himself. The last deception5 was more than he could bear. He repeated to himself over and over again that he loathed6 Mildred, and, ascribing to Griffiths this new disappointment, he hated him so much that he knew what was the delight of murder: he walked about considering what a joy it would be to come upon him on a dark night and stick a knife into his throat, just about the carotid artery7, and leave him to die in the street like a dog. Philip was out of his senses with grief and rage. He did not like whiskey, but he drank to stupefy himself. He went to bed drunk on the Tuesday and on the Wednesday night.
On Thursday morning he got up very late and dragged himself, blear-eyed and sallow, into his sitting-room8 to see if there were any letters. A curious feeling shot through his heart when he recognised the handwriting of Griffiths.
Dear old man:
I hardly know how to write to you and yet I feel I must write. I hope you're not awfully9 angry with me. I know I oughtn't to have gone away with Milly, but I simply couldn't help myself. She simply carried me off my feet and I would have done anything to get her. When she told me you had offered us the money to go I simply couldn't resist. And now it's all over I'm awfully ashamed of myself and I wish I hadn't been such a fool. I wish you'd write and say you're not angry with me, and I want you to let me come and see you. I was awfully hurt at your telling Milly you didn't want to see me. Do write me a line, there's a good chap, and tell me you forgive me. It'll ease my conscience. I thought you wouldn't mind or you wouldn't have offered the money. But I know I oughtn't to have taken it. I came home on Monday and Milly wanted to stay a couple of days at Oxford by herself. She's going back to London on Wednesday, so by the time you receive this letter you will have seen her and I hope everything will go off all right. Do write and say you forgive me. Please write at once.
Yours ever,  Harry10.
Philip tore up the letter furiously. He did not mean to answer it. He despised Griffiths for his apologies, he had no patience with his prickings of conscience: one could do a dastardly thing if one chose, but it was contemptible11 to regret it afterwards. He thought the letter cowardly and hypocritical. He was disgusted at its sentimentality.
'It would be very easy if you could do a beastly thing,' he muttered to himself, 'and then say you were sorry, and that put it all right again.'
He hoped with all his heart he would have the chance one day to do Griffiths a bad turn.
But at all events he knew that Mildred was in town. He dressed hurriedly, not waiting to shave, drank a cup of tea, and took a cab to her rooms. The cab seemed to crawl. He was painfully anxious to see her, and unconsciously he uttered a prayer to the God he did not believe in to make her receive him kindly12. He only wanted to forget. With beating heart he rang the bell. He forgot all his suffering in the passionate13 desire to enfold her once more in his arms.
'Is Mrs. Miller14 in?' he asked joyously15.
'She's gone,' the maid answered.
He looked at her blankly.
'She came about an hour ago and took away her things.'
For a moment he did not know what to say.
'Did you give her my letter? Did she say where she was going?'
Then he understood that Mildred had deceived him again. She was not coming back to him. He made an effort to save his face.
'Oh, well, I daresay I shall hear from her. She may have sent a letter to another address.'
He turned away and went back hopeless to his rooms. He might have known that she would do this; she had never cared for him, she had made a fool of him from the beginning; she had no pity, she had no kindness, she had no charity. The only thing was to accept the inevitable16. The pain he was suffering was horrible, he would sooner be dead than endure it; and the thought came to him that it would be better to finish with the whole thing: he might throw himself in the river or put his neck on a railway line; but he had no sooner set the thought into words than he rebelled against it. His reason told him that he would get over his unhappiness in time; if he tried with all his might he could forget her; and it would be grotesque17 to kill himself on account of a vulgar slut. He had only one life, and it was madness to fling it away. He FELT that he would never overcome his passion, but he KNEW that after all it was only a matter of time.
He would not stay in London. There everything reminded him of his unhappiness. He telegraphed to his uncle that he was coming to Blackstable, and, hurrying to pack, took the first train he could. He wanted to get away from the sordid18 rooms in which he had endured so much suffering. He wanted to breathe clean air. He was disgusted with himself. He felt that he was a little mad.
Since he was grown up Philip had been given the best spare room at the vicarage. It was a corner-room and in front of one window was an old tree which blocked the view, but from the other you saw, beyond the garden and the vicarage field, broad meadows. Philip remembered the wall-paper from his earliest years. On the walls were quaint19 water colours of the early Victorian period by a friend of the Vicar's youth. They had a faded charm. The dressing-table was surrounded by stiff muslin. There was an old tall-boy to put your clothes in. Philip gave a sigh of pleasure; he had never realised that all those things meant anything to him at all. At the vicarage life went on as it had always done. No piece of furniture had been moved from one place to another; the Vicar ate the same things, said the same things, went for the same walk every day; he had grown a little fatter, a little more silent, a little more narrow. He had become accustomed to living without his wife and missed her very little. He bickered20 still with Josiah Graves. Philip went to see the churchwarden. He was a little thinner, a little whiter, a little more austere21; he was autocratic still and still disapproved22 of candles on the altar. The shops had still a pleasant quaintness23; and Philip stood in front of that in which things useful to seamen24 were sold, sea-boots and tarpaulins25 and tackle, and remembered that he had felt there in his childhood the thrill of the sea and the adventurous26 magic of the unknown.
He could not help his heart beating at each double knock of the postman in case there might be a letter from Mildred sent on by his landlady27 in London; but he knew that there would be none. Now that he could think it out more calmly he understood that in trying to force Mildred to love him he had been attempting the impossible. He did not know what it was that passed from a man to a woman, from a woman to a man, and made one of them a slave: it was convenient to call it the sexual instinct; but if it was no more than that, he did not understand why it should occasion so vehement28 an attraction to one person rather than another. It was irresistible29: the mind could not battle with it; friendship, gratitude30, interest, had no power beside it. Because he had not attracted Mildred sexually, nothing that he did had any effect upon her. The idea revolted him; it made human nature beastly; and he felt suddenly that the hearts of men were full of dark places. Because Mildred was indifferent to him he had thought her sexless; her anaemic appearance and thin lips, the body with its narrow hips31 and flat chest, the languor32 of her manner, carried out his supposition; and yet she was capable of sudden passions which made her willing to risk everything to gratify them. He had never understood her adventure with Emil Miller: it had seemed so unlike her, and she had never been able to explain it; but now that he had seen her with Griffiths he knew that just the same thing had happened then: she had been carried off her feet by an ungovernable desire. He tried to think out what those two men had which so strangely attracted her. They both had a vulgar facetiousness33 which tickled34 her simple sense of humour, and a certain coarseness of nature; but what took her perhaps was the blatant35 sexuality which was their most marked characteristic. She had a genteel refinement36 which shuddered37 at the facts of life, she looked upon the bodily functions as indecent, she had all sorts of euphemisms38 for common objects, she always chose an elaborate word as more becoming than a simple one: the brutality39 of these men was like a whip on her thin white shoulders, and she shuddered with voluptuous40 pain.
One thing Philip had made up his mind about. He would not go back to the lodgings in which he had suffered. He wrote to his landlady and gave her notice. He wanted to have his own things about him. He determined41 to take unfurnished rooms: it would be pleasant and cheaper; and this was an urgent consideration, for during the last year and a half he had spent nearly seven hundred pounds. He must make up for it now by the most rigid42 economy. Now and then he thought of the future with panic; he had been a fool to spend so much money on Mildred; but he knew that if it were to come again he would act in the same way. It amused him sometimes to consider that his friends, because he had a face which did not express his feelings very vividly43 and a rather slow way of moving, looked upon him as strong-minded, deliberate, and cool. They thought him reasonable and praised his common sense; but he knew that his placid44 expression was no more than a mask, assumed unconsciously, which acted like the protective colouring of butterflies; and himself was astonished at the weakness of his will. It seemed to him that he was swayed by every light emotion, as though he were a leaf in the wind, and when passion seized him he was powerless. He had no self-control. He merely seemed to possess it because he was indifferent to many of the things which moved other people.
He considered with some irony45 the philosophy which he had developed for himself, for it had not been of much use to him in the conjuncture he had passed through; and he wondered whether thought really helped a man in any of the critical affairs of life: it seemed to him rather that he was swayed by some power alien to and yet within himself, which urged him like that great wind of Hell which drove Paolo and Francesca ceaselessly on. He thought of what he was going to do and, when the time came to act, he was powerless in the grasp of instincts, emotions, he knew not what. He acted as though he were a machine driven by the two forces of his environment and his personality; his reason was someone looking on, observing the facts but powerless to interfere46: it was like those gods of Epicurus, who saw the doings of men from their empyrean heights and had no might to alter one smallest particle of what occurred.


1 Oxford Wmmz0a     
  • At present he has become a Professor of Chemistry at Oxford.他现在已是牛津大学的化学教授了。
  • This is where the road to Oxford joins the road to London.这是去牛津的路与去伦敦的路的汇合处。
2 lodgings f12f6c99e9a4f01e5e08b1197f095e6e     
n. 出租的房舍, 寄宿舍
  • When he reached his lodgings the sun had set. 他到达公寓房间时,太阳已下山了。
  • I'm on the hunt for lodgings. 我正在寻找住所。
3 hatred T5Gyg     
  • He looked at me with hatred in his eyes.他以憎恨的眼光望着我。
  • The old man was seized with burning hatred for the fascists.老人对法西斯主义者充满了仇恨。
4 envisage AjczV     
  • Nobody can envisage the consequences of total nuclear war.没有人能够想像全面核战争的后果。
  • When do you envisage being able to pay me back?你看你什么时候能还我钱?
5 deception vnWzO     
  • He admitted conspiring to obtain property by deception.他承认曾与人合谋骗取财产。
  • He was jailed for two years for fraud and deception.他因为诈骗和欺诈入狱服刑两年。
6 loathed dbdbbc9cf5c853a4f358a2cd10c12ff2     
v.憎恨,厌恶( loathe的过去式和过去分词 );极不喜欢
  • Baker loathed going to this red-haired young pup for supplies. 面包师傅不喜欢去这个红头发的自负的傻小子那里拿原料。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • Therefore, above all things else, he loathed his miserable self! 因此,他厌恶不幸的自我尤胜其它! 来自英汉文学 - 红字
7 artery 5ekyE     
  • We couldn't feel the changes in the blood pressure within the artery.我们无法感觉到动脉血管内血压的变化。
  • The aorta is the largest artery in the body.主动脉是人体中的最大动脉。
8 sitting-room sitting-room     
  • The sitting-room is clean.起居室很清洁。
  • Each villa has a separate sitting-room.每栋别墅都有一间独立的起居室。
9 awfully MPkym     
  • Agriculture was awfully neglected in the past.过去农业遭到严重忽视。
  • I've been feeling awfully bad about it.对这我一直感到很难受。
10 harry heBxS     
  • Today,people feel more hurried and harried.今天,人们感到更加忙碌和苦恼。
  • Obama harried business by Healthcare Reform plan.奥巴马用医改掠夺了商界。
11 contemptible DpRzO     
  • His personal presence is unimpressive and his speech contemptible.他气貌不扬,言语粗俗。
  • That was a contemptible trick to play on a friend.那是对朋友玩弄的一出可鄙的把戏。
12 kindly tpUzhQ     
  • Her neighbours spoke of her as kindly and hospitable.她的邻居都说她和蔼可亲、热情好客。
  • A shadow passed over the kindly face of the old woman.一道阴影掠过老太太慈祥的面孔。
13 passionate rLDxd     
  • He is said to be the most passionate man.据说他是最有激情的人。
  • He is very passionate about the project.他对那个项目非常热心。
14 miller ZD6xf     
  • Every miller draws water to his own mill.磨坊主都往自己磨里注水。
  • The skilful miller killed millions of lions with his ski.技术娴熟的磨坊主用雪橇杀死了上百万头狮子。
15 joyously 1p4zu0     
ad.快乐地, 高兴地
  • She opened the door for me and threw herself in my arms, screaming joyously and demanding that we decorate the tree immediately. 她打开门,直扑我的怀抱,欣喜地喊叫着要马上装饰圣诞树。
  • They came running, crying out joyously in trilling girlish voices. 她们边跑边喊,那少女的颤音好不欢快。 来自名作英译部分
16 inevitable 5xcyq     
  • Mary was wearing her inevitable large hat.玛丽戴着她总是戴的那顶大帽子。
  • The defeat had inevitable consequences for British policy.战败对英国政策不可避免地产生了影响。
17 grotesque O6ryZ     
  • His face has a grotesque appearance.他的面部表情十分怪。
  • Her account of the incident was a grotesque distortion of the truth.她对这件事的陈述是荒诞地歪曲了事实。
18 sordid PrLy9     
  • He depicts the sordid and vulgar sides of life exclusively.他只描写人生肮脏和庸俗的一面。
  • They lived in a sordid apartment.他们住在肮脏的公寓房子里。
19 quaint 7tqy2     
  • There were many small lanes in the quaint village.在这古香古色的村庄里,有很多小巷。
  • They still keep some quaint old customs.他们仍然保留着一些稀奇古怪的旧风俗。
20 bickered c05d7582a78c74874bf385559cfb4f5e     
v.争吵( bicker的过去式和过去分词 );口角;(水等)作潺潺声;闪烁
  • The afternoon sun bickered through the leaves. 午后的阳光闪烁于树叶之间。 来自辞典例句
  • They bickered over [about] some unimportant thing. 他们为芝麻小事争吵。 来自辞典例句
21 austere GeIyW     
  • His way of life is rather austere.他的生活方式相当简朴。
  • The room was furnished in austere style.这间屋子的陈设都很简单朴素。
22 disapproved 3ee9b7bf3f16130a59cb22aafdea92d0     
v.不赞成( disapprove的过去式和过去分词 )
  • My parents disapproved of my marriage. 我父母不赞成我的婚事。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • She disapproved of her son's indiscriminate television viewing. 她不赞成儿子不加选择地收看电视。 来自《简明英汉词典》
23 quaintness 8e82c438d10a5c2c8c2080f7ef348e89     
  • The shops had still a pleasant quaintness. 店铺里依然弥漫着一种亲切的古雅气氛。 来自辞典例句
  • She liked the old cottage; its quaintness was appealing. 她喜欢那个老旧的小屋,其奇巧的风格很吸引人。 来自互联网
24 seamen 43a29039ad1366660fa923c1d3550922     
  • Experienced seamen will advise you about sailing in this weather. 有经验的海员会告诉你在这种天气下的航行情况。
  • In the storm, many seamen wished they were on shore. 在暴风雨中,许多海员想,要是他们在陆地上就好了。
25 tarpaulins 46600d444729513b3fab47b3b92e2818     
n.防水帆布,防水帆布罩( tarpaulin的名词复数 )
  • Main wood to aluminum and plexiglass, PC, tarpaulins, toughened glass. 主材以铝型材与进口有机玻璃、PC、防水布、钢化玻璃。 来自互联网
  • That means providing tents or other materials, including plastic sheeting, tarpaulins and wood. 这意味着需要帐篷和其他物资,包括塑料布、放水油布和木材。 来自互联网
26 adventurous LKryn     
  • I was filled with envy at their adventurous lifestyle.我很羨慕他们敢于冒险的生活方式。
  • He was predestined to lead an adventurous life.他注定要过冒险的生活。
27 landlady t2ZxE     
  • I heard my landlady creeping stealthily up to my door.我听到我的女房东偷偷地来到我的门前。
  • The landlady came over to serve me.女店主过来接待我。
28 vehement EL4zy     
  • She made a vehement attack on the government's policies.她强烈谴责政府的政策。
  • His proposal met with vehement opposition.他的倡导遭到了激烈的反对。
29 irresistible n4CxX     
  • The wheel of history rolls forward with an irresistible force.历史车轮滚滚向前,势不可挡。
  • She saw an irresistible skirt in the store window.她看见商店的橱窗里有一条叫人着迷的裙子。
30 gratitude p6wyS     
  • I have expressed the depth of my gratitude to him.我向他表示了深切的谢意。
  • She could not help her tears of gratitude rolling down her face.她感激的泪珠禁不住沿着面颊流了下来。
31 hips f8c80f9a170ee6ab52ed1e87054f32d4     
abbr.high impact polystyrene 高冲击强度聚苯乙烯,耐冲性聚苯乙烯n.臀部( hip的名词复数 );[建筑学]屋脊;臀围(尺寸);臀部…的
  • She stood with her hands on her hips. 她双手叉腰站着。
  • They wiggled their hips to the sound of pop music. 他们随着流行音乐的声音摇晃着臀部。 来自《简明英汉词典》
32 languor V3wyb     
  • It was hot,yet with a sweet languor about it.天气是炎热的,然而却有一种惬意的懒洋洋的感觉。
  • She,in her languor,had not troubled to eat much.她懒懒的,没吃多少东西。
33 facetiousness 1ed312409ab96648c74311a037525400     
  • Jastrow said, with tremulous facetiousness. 杰斯特罗说着,显出抖抖嗦嗦的滑稽样子。 来自辞典例句
34 tickled 2db1470d48948f1aa50b3cf234843b26     
(使)发痒( tickle的过去式和过去分词 ); (使)愉快,逗乐
  • We were tickled pink to see our friends on television. 在电视中看到我们的一些朋友,我们高兴极了。
  • I tickled the baby's feet and made her laugh. 我胳肢孩子的脚,使她发笑。
35 blatant ENCzP     
  • I cannot believe that so blatant a comedy can hoodwink anybody.我无法相信这么显眼的一出喜剧能够欺骗谁。
  • His treatment of his secretary was a blatant example of managerial arrogance.他管理的傲慢作风在他对待秘书的态度上表露无遗。
36 refinement kinyX     
  • Sally is a woman of great refinement and beauty. 莎莉是个温文尔雅又很漂亮的女士。
  • Good manners and correct speech are marks of refinement.彬彬有礼和谈吐得体是文雅的标志。
37 shuddered 70137c95ff493fbfede89987ee46ab86     
v.战栗( shudder的过去式和过去分词 );发抖;(机器、车辆等)突然震动;颤动
  • He slammed on the brakes and the car shuddered to a halt. 他猛踩刹车,车颤抖着停住了。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • I shuddered at the sight of the dead body. 我一看见那尸体就战栗。 来自《简明英汉词典》
38 euphemisms 2e52618fe6be3b868598f3bec8c0161d     
n.委婉语,委婉说法( euphemism的名词复数 )
  • No point is in mincing words or hiding behind euphemisms. 没有必要闪烁其词或者羞羞答答。 来自辞典例句
  • No point in mincing words or hiding behind euphemisms. 没必要闪烁其词或者羞羞答答。 来自辞典例句
39 brutality MSbyb     
  • The brutality of the crime has appalled the public. 罪行之残暴使公众大为震惊。
  • a general who was infamous for his brutality 因残忍而恶名昭彰的将军
40 voluptuous lLQzV     
  • The nobility led voluptuous lives.贵族阶层过着骄奢淫逸的生活。
  • The dancer's movements were slow and voluptuous.舞女的动作缓慢而富挑逗性。
41 determined duszmP     
  • I have determined on going to Tibet after graduation.我已决定毕业后去西藏。
  • He determined to view the rooms behind the office.他决定查看一下办公室后面的房间。
42 rigid jDPyf     
  • She became as rigid as adamant.她变得如顽石般的固执。
  • The examination was so rigid that nearly all aspirants were ruled out.考试很严,几乎所有的考生都被淘汰了。
43 vividly tebzrE     
  • The speaker pictured the suffering of the poor vividly.演讲者很生动地描述了穷人的生活。
  • The characters in the book are vividly presented.这本书里的人物写得栩栩如生。
44 placid 7A1yV     
  • He had been leading a placid life for the past eight years.八年来他一直过着平静的生活。
  • You should be in a placid mood and have a heart-to- heart talk with her.你应该心平气和的好好和她谈谈心。
45 irony P4WyZ     
  • She said to him with slight irony.她略带嘲讽地对他说。
  • In her voice we could sense a certain tinge of irony.从她的声音里我们可以感到某种讥讽的意味。
46 interfere b5lx0     
  • If we interfere, it may do more harm than good.如果我们干预的话,可能弊多利少。
  • When others interfere in the affair,it always makes troubles. 别人一卷入这一事件,棘手的事情就来了。
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