Of Human Bondage 人性的枷锁 Chapter 73
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Three weeks later Philip saw Mildred and her baby off to Brighton. She had made a quick recovery and looked better than he had ever seen her. She was going to a boarding-house where she had spent a couple of weekends with Emil Miller1, and had written to say that her husband was obliged to go to Germany on business and she was coming down with her baby. She got pleasure out of the stories she invented, and she showed a certain fertility of invention in the working out of the details. Mildred proposed to find in Brighton some woman who would be willing to take charge of the baby. Philip was startled at the callousness2 with which she insisted on getting rid of it so soon, but she argued with common sense that the poor child had much better be put somewhere before it grew used to her. Philip had expected the maternal3 instinct to make itself felt when she had had the baby two or three weeks and had counted on this to help him persuade her to keep it; but nothing of the sort occurred. Mildred was not unkind to her baby; she did all that was necessary; it amused her sometimes, and she talked about it a good deal; but at heart she was indifferent to it. She could not look upon it as part of herself. She fancied it resembled its father already. She was continually wondering how she would manage when it grew older; and she was exasperated4 with herself for being such a fool as to have it at all.
'If I'd only known then all I do now,' she said.
She laughed at Philip, because he was anxious about its welfare.
'You couldn't make more fuss if you was the father,' she said. 'I'd like to see Emil getting into such a stew5 about it.'
Philip's mind was full of the stories he had heard of baby-farming and the ghouls who ill-treat the wretched children that selfish, cruel parents have put in their charge.
'Don't be so silly,' said Mildred. 'That's when you give a woman a sum down to look after a baby. But when you're going to pay so much a week it's to their interest to look after it well.'
Philip insisted that Mildred should place the child with people who had no children of their own and would promise to take no other.
'Don't haggle6 about the price,' he said. 'I'd rather pay half a guinea a week than run any risk of the kid being starved or beaten.'
'You're a funny old thing, Philip,' she laughed.
To him there was something very touching7 in the child's helplessness. It was small, ugly, and querulous. Its birth had been looked forward to with shame and anguish8. Nobody wanted it. It was dependent on him, a stranger, for food, shelter, and clothes to cover its nakedness.
As the train started he kissed Mildred. He would have kissed the baby too, but he was afraid she would laugh at him.
'You will write to me, darling, won't you? And I shall look forward to your coming back with oh! such impatience9.'
'Mind you get through your exam.'
He had been working for it industriously10, and now with only ten days before him he made a final effort. He was very anxious to pass, first to save himself time and expense, for money had been slipping through his fingers during the last four months with incredible speed; and then because this examination marked the end of the drudgery11: after that the student had to do with medicine, midwifery, and surgery, the interest of which was more vivid than the anatomy12 and physiology13 with which he had been hitherto concerned. Philip looked forward with interest to the rest of the curriculum. Nor did he want to have to confess to Mildred that he had failed: though the examination was difficult and the majority of candidates were ploughed at the first attempt, he knew that she would think less well of him if he did not succeed; she had a peculiarly humiliating way of showing what she thought.
Mildred sent him a postcard to announce her safe arrival, and he snatched half an hour every day to write a long letter to her. He had always a certain shyness in expressing himself by word of mouth, but he found he could tell her, pen in hand, all sorts of things which it would have made him feel ridiculous to say. Profiting by the discovery he poured out to her his whole heart. He had never been able to tell her before how his adoration15 filled every part of him so that all his actions, all his thoughts, were touched with it. He wrote to her of the future, the happiness that lay before him, and the gratitude16 which he owed her. He asked himself (he had often asked himself before but had never put it into words) what it was in her that filled him with such extravagant17 delight; he did not know; he knew only that when she was with him he was happy, and when she was away from him the world was on a sudden cold and gray; he knew only that when he thought of her his heart seemed to grow big in his body so that it was difficult to breathe (as if it pressed against his lungs) and it throbbed18, so that the delight of her presence was almost pain; his knees shook, and he felt strangely weak as though, not having eaten, he were tremulous from want of food. He looked forward eagerly to her answers. He did not expect her to write often, for he knew that letter-writing came difficultly to her; and he was quite content with the clumsy little note that arrived in reply to four of his. She spoke19 of the boarding-house in which she had taken a room, of the weather and the baby, told him she had been for a walk on the front with a lady-friend whom she had met in the boarding-house and who had taken such a fancy to baby, she was going to the theatre on Saturday night, and Brighton was filling up. It touched Philip because it was so matter-of-fact. The crabbed20 style, the formality of the matter, gave him a queer desire to laugh and to take her in his arms and kiss her.
He went into the examination with happy confidence. There was nothing in either of the papers that gave him trouble. He knew that he had done well, and though the second part of the examination was viva voce and he was more nervous, he managed to answer the questions adequately. He sent a triumphant21 telegram to Mildred when the result was announced.
When he got back to his rooms Philip found a letter from her, saying that she thought it would be better for her to stay another week in Brighton. She had found a woman who would be glad to take the baby for seven shillings a week, but she wanted to make inquiries22 about her, and she was herself benefiting so much by the sea-air that she was sure a few days more would do her no end of good. She hated asking Philip for money, but would he send some by return, as she had had to buy herself a new hat, she couldn't go about with her lady-friend always in the same hat, and her lady-friend was so dressy. Philip had a moment of bitter disappointment. It took away all his pleasure at getting through his examination.
'If she loved me one quarter as much as I love her she couldn't bear to stay away a day longer than necessary.'
He put the thought away from him quickly; it was pure selfishness; of course her health was more important than anything else. But he had nothing to do now; he might spend the week with her in Brighton, and they could be together all day. His heart leaped at the thought. It would be amusing to appear before Mildred suddenly with the information that he had taken a room in the boarding-house. He looked out trains. But he paused. He was not certain that she would be pleased to see him; she had made friends in Brighton; he was quiet, and she liked boisterous23 joviality24; he realised that she amused herself more with other people than with him. It would torture him if he felt for an instant that he was in the way. He was afraid to risk it. He dared not even write and suggest that, with nothing to keep him in town, he would like to spend the week where he could see her every day. She knew he had nothing to do; if she wanted him to come she would have asked him to. He dared not risk the anguish he would suffer if he proposed to come and she made excuses to prevent him.
He wrote to her next day, sent her a five-pound note, and at the end of his letter said that if she were very nice and cared to see him for the week-end he would be glad to run down; but she was by no means to alter any plans she had made. He awaited her answer with impatience. In it she said that if she had only known before she could have arranged it, but she had promised to go to a music-hall on the Saturday night; besides, it would make the people at the boarding-house talk if he stayed there. Why did he not come on Sunday morning and spend the day? They could lunch at the Metropole, and she would take him afterwards to see the very superior lady-like person who was going to take the baby.
Sunday. He blessed the day because it was fine. As the train approached Brighton the sun poured through the carriage window. Mildred was waiting for him on the platform.
'How jolly of you to come and meet me!' he cried, as he seized her hands.
'You expected me, didn't you?'
'I hoped you would. I say, how well you're looking.'
'It's done me a rare lot of good, but I think I'm wise to stay here as long as I can. And there are a very nice class of people at the boarding-house. I wanted cheering up after seeing nobody all these months. It was dull sometimes.'
She looked very smart in her new hat, a large black straw with a great many inexpensive flowers on it; and round her neck floated a long boa of imitation swansdown. She was still very thin, and she stooped a little when she walked (she had always done that,) but her eyes did not seem so large; and though she never had any colour, her skin had lost the earthy look it had. They walked down to the sea. Philip, remembering he had not walked with her for months, grew suddenly conscious of his limp and walked stiffly in the attempt to conceal25 it.
'Are you glad to see me?' he asked, love dancing madly in his heart.
'Of course I am. You needn't ask that.'
'By the way, Griffiths sends you his love.'
'What cheek!'
He had talked to her a great deal of Griffiths. He had told her how flirtatious26 he was and had amused her often with the narration27 of some adventure which Griffiths under the seal of secrecy28 had imparted to him. Mildred had listened, with some pretence29 of disgust sometimes, but generally with curiosity; and Philip, admiringly, had enlarged upon his friend's good looks and charm.
'I'm sure you'll like him just as much as I do. He's so jolly and amusing, and he's such an awfully30 good sort.'
Philip told her how, when they were perfect strangers, Griffiths had nursed him through an illness; and in the telling Griffiths' self-sacrifice lost nothing.
'You can't help liking31 him,' said Philip.
'I don't like good-looking men,' said Mildred. 'They're too conceited32 for me.'
'He wants to know you. I've talked to him about you an awful lot.'
'What have you said?' asked Mildred.
Philip had no one but Griffiths to talk to of his love for Mildred, and little by little had told him the whole story of his connection with her. He described her to him fifty times. He dwelt amorously33 on every detail of her appearance, and Griffiths knew exactly how her thin hands were shaped and how white her face was, and he laughed at Philip when he talked of the charm of her pale, thin lips.
'By Jove, I'm glad I don't take things so badly as that,' he said. 'Life wouldn't be worth living.'
Philip smiled. Griffiths did not know the delight of being so madly in love that it was like meat and wine and the air one breathed and whatever else was essential to existence. Griffiths knew that Philip had looked after the girl while she was having her baby and was now going away with her.
'Well, I must say you've deserved to get something,' he remarked. 'It must have cost you a pretty penny. It's lucky you can afford it.'
'I can't,' said Philip. 'But what do I care!'
Since it was early for luncheon34, Philip and Mildred sat in one of the shelters on the parade, sunning themselves, and watched the people pass. There were the Brighton shop-boys who walked in twos and threes, swinging their canes35, and there were the Brighton shop-girls who tripped along in giggling36 bunches. They could tell the people who had come down from London for the day; the keen air gave a fillip to their weariness. There were many Jews, stout37 ladies in tight satin dresses and diamonds, little corpulent men with a gesticulative manner. There were middle-aged38 gentlemen spending a week-end in one of the large hotels, carefully dressed; and they walked industriously after too substantial a breakfast to give themselves an appetite for too substantial a luncheon: they exchanged the time of day with friends and talked of Dr. Brighton or London-by-the-Sea. Here and there a well-known actor passed, elaborately unconscious of the attention he excited: sometimes he wore patent leather boots, a coat with an astrakhan collar, and carried a silver-knobbed stick; and sometimes, looking as though he had come from a day's shooting, he strolled in knickerbockers, and ulster of Harris tweed, and a tweed hat on the back of his head. The sun shone on the blue sea, and the blue sea was trim and neat.
After luncheon they went to Hove to see the woman who was to take charge of the baby. She lived in a small house in a back street, but it was clean and tidy. Her name was Mrs. Harding. She was an elderly, stout person, with gray hair and a red, fleshy face. She looked motherly in her cap, and Philip thought she seemed kind.
'Won't you find it an awful nuisance to look after a baby?' he asked her.
She explained that her husband was a curate, a good deal older than herself, who had difficulty in getting permanent work since vicars wanted young men to assist them; he earned a little now and then by doing locums when someone took a holiday or fell ill, and a charitable institution gave them a small pension; but her life was lonely, it would be something to do to look after a child, and the few shillings a week paid for it would help her to keep things going. She promised that it should be well fed.
'Quite the lady, isn't she?' said Mildred, when they went away.
They went back to have tea at the Metropole. Mildred liked the crowd and the band. Philip was tired of talking, and he watched her face as she looked with keen eyes at the dresses of the women who came in. She had a peculiar14 sharpness for reckoning up what things cost, and now and then she leaned over to him and whispered the result of her meditations39.
'D'you see that aigrette there? That cost every bit of seven guineas.'
Or: 'Look at that ermine, Philip. That's rabbit, that is—that's not ermine.' She laughed triumphantly40. 'I'd know it a mile off.'
Philip smiled happily. He was glad to see her pleasure, and the ingenuousness41 of her conversation amused and touched him. The band played sentimental42 music.
After dinner they walked down to the station, and Philip took her arm. He told her what arrangements he had made for their journey to France. She was to come up to London at the end of the week, but she told him that she could not go away till the Saturday of the week after that. He had already engaged a room in a hotel in Paris. He was looking forward eagerly to taking the tickets.
'You won't mind going second-class, will you? We mustn't be extravagant, and it'll be all the better if we can do ourselves pretty well when we get there.'
He had talked to her a hundred times of the Quarter. They would wander through its pleasant old streets, and they would sit idly in the charming gardens of the Luxembourg. If the weather was fine perhaps, when they had had enough of Paris, they might go to Fontainebleau. The trees would be just bursting into leaf. The green of the forest in spring was more beautiful than anything he knew; it was like a song, and it was like the happy pain of love. Mildred listened quietly. He turned to her and tried to look deep into her eyes.
'You do want to come, don't you?' he said.
'Of course I do,' she smiled.
'You don't know how I'm looking forward to it. I don't know how I shall get through the next days. I'm so afraid something will happen to prevent it. It maddens me sometimes that I can't tell you how much I love you. And at last, at last...'
He broke off. They reached the station, but they had dawdled43 on the way, and Philip had barely time to say good-night. He kissed her quickly and ran towards the wicket as fast as he could. She stood where he left her. He was strangely grotesque44 when he ran.


1 miller ZD6xf     
  • Every miller draws water to his own mill.磨坊主都往自己磨里注水。
  • The skilful miller killed millions of lions with his ski.技术娴熟的磨坊主用雪橇杀死了上百万头狮子。
2 callousness callousness     
  • He remembered with what callousness he had watched her. 他记得自己以何等无情的态度瞧着她。 来自辞典例句
  • She also lacks the callousness required of a truly great leader. 她还缺乏一个真正伟大领袖所应具备的铁石心肠。 来自辞典例句
3 maternal 57Azi     
  • He is my maternal uncle.他是我舅舅。
  • The sight of the hopeless little boy aroused her maternal instincts.那个绝望的小男孩的模样唤起了她的母性。
4 exasperated ltAz6H     
  • We were exasperated at his ill behaviour. 我们对他的恶劣行为感到非常恼怒。
  • Constant interruption of his work exasperated him. 对他工作不断的干扰使他恼怒。
5 stew 0GTz5     
  • The stew must be boiled up before serving.炖肉必须煮熟才能上桌。
  • There's no need to get in a stew.没有必要烦恼。
6 haggle aedxa     
  • In many countries you have to haggle before you buy anything.在许多国家里买东西之前都得讨价还价。
  • If you haggle over the price,they might give you discount.你讲讲价,他们可能会把价钱降低。
7 touching sg6zQ9     
  • It was a touching sight.这是一幅动人的景象。
  • His letter was touching.他的信很感人。
8 anguish awZz0     
  • She cried out for anguish at parting.分手时,她由于痛苦而失声大哭。
  • The unspeakable anguish wrung his heart.难言的痛苦折磨着他的心。
9 impatience OaOxC     
  • He expressed impatience at the slow rate of progress.进展缓慢,他显得不耐烦。
  • He gave a stamp of impatience.他不耐烦地跺脚。
10 industriously f43430e7b5117654514f55499de4314a     
  • She paces the whole class in studying English industriously. 她在刻苦学习英语上给全班同学树立了榜样。
  • He industriously engages in unostentatious hard work. 他勤勤恳恳,埋头苦干。
11 drudgery CkUz2     
  • People want to get away from the drudgery of their everyday lives.人们想摆脱日常生活中单调乏味的工作。
  • He spent his life in pointlessly tiresome drudgery.他的一生都在做毫无意义的烦人的苦差事。
12 anatomy Cwgzh     
  • He found out a great deal about the anatomy of animals.在动物解剖学方面,他有过许多发现。
  • The hurricane's anatomy was powerful and complex.对飓风的剖析是一项庞大而复杂的工作。
13 physiology uAfyL     
  • He bought a book about physiology.他买了一本生理学方面的书。
  • He was awarded the Nobel Prize for achievements in physiology.他因生理学方面的建树而被授予诺贝尔奖。
14 peculiar cinyo     
  • He walks in a peculiar fashion.他走路的样子很奇特。
  • He looked at me with a very peculiar expression.他用一种很奇怪的表情看着我。
15 adoration wfhyD     
  • He gazed at her with pure adoration.他一往情深地注视着她。
  • The old lady fell down in adoration before Buddhist images.那老太太在佛像面前顶礼膜拜。
16 gratitude p6wyS     
  • I have expressed the depth of my gratitude to him.我向他表示了深切的谢意。
  • She could not help her tears of gratitude rolling down her face.她感激的泪珠禁不住沿着面颊流了下来。
17 extravagant M7zya     
  • They tried to please him with fulsome compliments and extravagant gifts.他们想用溢美之词和奢华的礼品来取悦他。
  • He is extravagant in behaviour.他行为放肆。
18 throbbed 14605449969d973d4b21b9356ce6b3ec     
抽痛( throb的过去式和过去分词 ); (心脏、脉搏等)跳动
  • His head throbbed painfully. 他的头一抽一跳地痛。
  • The pulse throbbed steadily. 脉搏跳得平稳。
19 spoke XryyC     
n.(车轮的)辐条;轮辐;破坏某人的计划;阻挠某人的行动 v.讲,谈(speak的过去式);说;演说;从某种观点来说
  • They sourced the spoke nuts from our company.他们的轮辐螺帽是从我们公司获得的。
  • The spokes of a wheel are the bars that connect the outer ring to the centre.辐条是轮子上连接外圈与中心的条棒。
20 crabbed Svnz6M     
adj.脾气坏的;易怒的;(指字迹)难辨认的;(字迹等)难辨认的v.捕蟹( crab的过去式和过去分词 )
  • His mature composi tions are generally considered the more cerebral and crabbed. 他成熟的作品一般被认为是触动理智的和难于理解的。 来自《现代英汉综合大词典》
  • He met a crabbed, cantankerous director. 他碰上了一位坏脾气、爱争吵的主管。 来自辞典例句
21 triumphant JpQys     
  • The army made a triumphant entry into the enemy's capital.部队胜利地进入了敌方首都。
  • There was a positively triumphant note in her voice.她的声音里带有一种极为得意的语气。
22 inquiries 86a54c7f2b27c02acf9fcb16a31c4b57     
n.调查( inquiry的名词复数 );疑问;探究;打听
  • He was released on bail pending further inquiries. 他获得保释,等候进一步调查。
  • I have failed to reach them by postal inquiries. 我未能通过邮政查询与他们取得联系。 来自《现代汉英综合大词典》
23 boisterous it0zJ     
  • I don't condescend to boisterous displays of it.我并不屈就于它热热闹闹的外表。
  • The children tended to gather together quietly for a while before they broke into boisterous play.孩子们经常是先静静地聚集在一起,不一会就开始吵吵嚷嚷戏耍开了。
24 joviality 00d80ae95f8022e5efb8faabf3370402     
  • However, there is an air of joviality in the sugar camps. 然而炼糖营房里却充满着热气腾腾的欢乐气氛。 来自辞典例句
  • Immediately he noticed the joviality of Stane's manner. 他随即注意到史丹兴高采烈的神情。 来自辞典例句
25 conceal DpYzt     
  • He had to conceal his identity to escape the police.为了躲避警方,他只好隐瞒身份。
  • He could hardly conceal his joy at his departure.他几乎掩饰不住临行时的喜悦。
26 flirtatious M73yU     
  • a flirtatious young woman 卖弄风情的年轻女子
  • Her flirtatious manners are intended to attract. 她的轻浮举止是想引人注意。 来自《简明英汉词典》
27 narration tFvxS     
  • The richness of his novel comes from his narration of it.他小说的丰富多采得益于他的叙述。
  • Narration should become a basic approach to preschool education.叙事应是幼儿教育的基本途径。
28 secrecy NZbxH     
  • All the researchers on the project are sworn to secrecy.该项目的所有研究人员都按要求起誓保守秘密。
  • Complete secrecy surrounded the meeting.会议在绝对机密的环境中进行。
29 pretence pretence     
  • The government abandoned any pretence of reform. 政府不再装模作样地进行改革。
  • He made a pretence of being happy at the party.晚会上他假装很高兴。
30 awfully MPkym     
  • Agriculture was awfully neglected in the past.过去农业遭到严重忽视。
  • I've been feeling awfully bad about it.对这我一直感到很难受。
31 liking mpXzQ5     
  • The word palate also means taste or liking.Palate这个词也有“口味”或“嗜好”的意思。
  • I must admit I have no liking for exaggeration.我必须承认我不喜欢夸大其词。
32 conceited Cv0zxi     
  • He could not bear that they should be so conceited.他们这样自高自大他受不了。
  • I'm not as conceited as so many people seem to think.我不像很多人认为的那么自负。
33 amorously 1dc906f7104f5206f1b9a3e70a1ceb94     
  • A man who is amorously and gallantly attentive to women. 对女性殷勤的男子对女性关爱、殷勤备至的男人。 来自互联网
  • He looked at her amorously. 他深情地看着她。 来自互联网
34 luncheon V8az4     
  • We have luncheon at twelve o'clock.我们十二点钟用午餐。
  • I have a luncheon engagement.我午饭有约。
35 canes a2da92fd77f2794d6465515bd108dd08     
n.(某些植物,如竹或甘蔗的)茎( cane的名词复数 );(用于制作家具等的)竹竿;竹杖
  • Sugar canes eat sweet. 甘蔗吃起来很甜。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • I saw several sugar canes, but wild, and for cultivation, imperfect. 我还看到一些甘蔗,因为是野生的,未经人工栽培,所以不太好吃。 来自英汉 - 翻译样例 - 文学
36 giggling 2712674ae81ec7e853724ef7e8c53df1     
v.咯咯地笑( giggle的现在分词 )
  • We just sat there giggling like naughty schoolchildren. 我们只是坐在那儿像调皮的小学生一样的咯咯地傻笑。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • I can't stand her giggling, she's so silly. 她吃吃地笑,叫我真受不了,那样子傻透了。 来自《现代英汉综合大词典》
37 stout PGuzF     
  • He cut a stout stick to help him walk.他砍了一根结实的枝条用来拄着走路。
  • The stout old man waddled across the road.那肥胖的老人一跩一跩地穿过马路。
38 middle-aged UopzSS     
  • I noticed two middle-aged passengers.我注意到两个中年乘客。
  • The new skin balm was welcome by middle-aged women.这种新护肤香膏受到了中年妇女的欢迎。
39 meditations f4b300324e129a004479aa8f4c41e44a     
默想( meditation的名词复数 ); 默念; 沉思; 冥想
  • Each sentence seems a quarry of rich meditations. 每一句话似乎都给人以许多冥思默想。
  • I'm sorry to interrupt your meditations. 我很抱歉,打断你思考问题了。
40 triumphantly 9fhzuv     
  • The lion was roaring triumphantly. 狮子正在发出胜利的吼叫。
  • Robert was looking at me triumphantly. 罗伯特正得意扬扬地看着我。
41 ingenuousness 395b9814a605ed2dc98d4c5c4d79c23f     
  • He would acknowledge with perfect ingenuousness that his concession had been attended with such partial good. 他坦率地承认,由于他让步的结果,招来不少坏处。 来自辞典例句
42 sentimental dDuzS     
  • She's a sentimental woman who believes marriage comes by destiny.她是多愁善感的人,她相信姻缘命中注定。
  • We were deeply touched by the sentimental movie.我们深深被那感伤的电影所感动。
43 dawdled e13887512a8e1d9bfc5b2d850972714d     
v.混(时间)( dawdle的过去式和过去分词 )
  • Billy dawdled behind her all morning. 比利整个上午都跟在她后面闲混。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • He dawdled away his time. 他在混日子。 来自《现代英汉综合大词典》
44 grotesque O6ryZ     
  • His face has a grotesque appearance.他的面部表情十分怪。
  • Her account of the incident was a grotesque distortion of the truth.她对这件事的陈述是荒诞地歪曲了事实。
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