绝望的主妇1－1

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My name is Mary Alice Young.

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When you read this morning's paper, you may come across an article

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about the unusual day I had last week.

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Normally, there's never anything newsworthy about my life,

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but that all changed last thursday.

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Of course, everything seemed quite normal at first.

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I made breakfast for my family.

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I performed my chores.

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I completed my projects.

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I ran my errands.

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In truth, I spent the day as I spent every other day --

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quietly polishing the routine of my life until it gleamed with perfection.

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That's why it was so astonishing when I decided¹ to go to my hallway closet

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and retrieve² a revolver that had never been used.

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My body was discovered by my neighbor mrs. Martha Huber,

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who had been startled by a strange popping sound.

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Her curiosity aroused,

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mrs. Huber tried to think of a reason for dropping in on me unannounced.

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After some initial hesitation³,

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she decided to return the blender she had borrowed from me six months before.

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It's my neighbor. I think she's been shot.

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There's blood everywhere.

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Yes. You've got to send an ambulance. You've got to send one right now.

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And for a moment,

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mrs. Huber stood motionless in her kitchen,

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grief-stricken by this senseless tragedy...

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But only for a moment.

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If there was one thing mrs. Huber was known for,

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it was her ability to look on the bright side.

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I was laid to rest on a monday.

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After the funeral, all the residents of wisteria lane came to pay their respects.

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And, as people do in these situations, they brought food.

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Lynette Scavo brought fried chicken.

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Lynette had a great family recipe for fried chicken.

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Of course, she didn't cook much while she was moving up the corporate⁴ ladder.

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She didn't have the time.

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But when her doctor announced Lynette was pregnant,

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her husband Tom had an idea.

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"Why not quit your job?

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"Kids do better with stay-at-home moms. It would be so much less stressful."

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But this was not the case.

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In fact, Lynette's life had become so hectic⁵,

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she was now forced to get her fried chicken from a fast-food restaurant.

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Lynette would have appreciated the irony⁶ if she stopped to think about it,

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but she couldn't. She didn't have the time.

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- Stop it !
- But, mom!

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No,

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you are going to behave today.

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I am not going to be humiliated⁷ in front of the entire neighborhood.

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And just so you know how serious I am...