Lizard Birthing

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome¹ including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview²: I had to take my son's lizard³ to the vet⁴.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong" with one of the two lizards⁵ he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into His bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged⁶.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.(I actually think she said this sarcastically⁷!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting⁸ my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm⁹, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged¹⁰, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous¹¹ experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked¹².

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly¹³, vanishing a scant¹⁴ second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted¹⁵. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified¹⁶.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug¹⁷. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest¹⁸ daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma¹⁹." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately²⁰ for a moment?"

I gulped²¹, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity²², like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous²³, cruel wife started to giggle²⁴. And giggle. and then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront²⁵ to my flawless manliness²⁶.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped²⁷ for more air to bellow²⁸ in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea,"

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing²⁹ with laughter.

Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!

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