GRE写作讲义(四)-习作评改3b
文章来源: 文章作者: 发布时间:2008-07-29 03:25 字体: [ ]  进入论坛
(单词翻译:双击或拖选)

修改范例

One type of law that requires civil disobedience is any law that breaks our basic moral code. Laws that are unjust to one segment of society, that discriminate1, repress, disenfranchise, and take the lives of one group in society are worthy2 of civil disobedience. Such laws are, in themselves, morally unbearable3. The person who bends to such an unjust law must break his own moral code. During World War II, when Hitler’s fanaticism4 required his countrymen to take the lives of innocent people, many quietly resisted and lost their lives as well. Although unable to change the immediate5 course of events, those who rescued and hid Jews during the holocaust6 are regarded as honorable in a time of shame.

原稿(第三段)
 语言修改
 
Secondly, as an organic integrity, that has its own play rules here we call it laws. If the laws themselves are unjust, it is inconceivable that they can preserve fair play? Moreover, unjust laws poison our society and they penalize7 innocent people rather than guilty ones. So we should resist unjust laws.
 Often normal and natural rules and behaviors are turned into laws. However, when laws become outdated8 and unjust how can they benefit society? Unjust laws are a detriment9 to society and end up penalizing10 innocent, rather than guilty people. If we want to preserve our society we should resist unjust laws.
 

内容点评及修改

第一句话不太合乎逻辑。作为一个有机体,它有自己的游戏规则,即法律。这里没有说明谁是有机体,它的规则如何就成为了法律。接下来说的内容既空洞,又跑题。如果这些法律本身是非正义的,它怎么能够维护公平呢?而且,非正义的法律毒害我们的社会,惩罚了无罪的人,所以我们必须反抗不公正的法律。这段中的几句话没有给读者呈现合理的逻辑论证关系。

第二段只提出了一种需要抵抗的不公正法律,内容还不够充实,在第三段还应该提出另外需要抵抗的法律。例如,抵制它能让社会得益的法律,这样的法律需要抵制。诸如那些没有必要的限制自由,让人们受苦的法律需要人们和平的抗议。这里可以举出马丁路德金领导民权运动的例子。任何人都不能怀疑马丁路德金领导黑人反抗不公正的暴政以及争取平等权利的做法使得那一代人和整个国家都得到了益处。马丁路德金号召大家的进行抵抗开启了美国的民权运动,并使得黑人的文化得到了复兴,使得美国印第安人文化的得到了复兴。

修改范例

It is also a duty to disobey a law that is unjust when we know our resistance will benefit society. Laws that unnecessarily restrict freedom and produce suffering often can only be changed through civil disobedience because those in power are afraid to make changes. Society has recognized the bravery of people who have disobeyed such unjust laws. Few would contest that Martin Luther King, Jr., in leading his race and to stand against the tyranny of injustice11 and seek equal treatment, was doing a great service for his generation and his country. Even though the Jim Crow laws did not threaten lives, Martin Luther King Jr.’s call for resistance marked the birth of civil rights in his country, sparking the American Indian Movement and the Harlem Renaissance12.

原稿(第四段)
 语言修改
 
Finally, as I have mentioned above, laws are the fundamental of our society and unjust laws will do much harm to our society and every one of us, we should not merely resist unjust laws. I think we should obey just laws and make our efforts to amend13 unjust laws and make more and more just laws out of unjust laws.
 Laws are the backbone14 of our society, with just laws preserving and unjust laws endangering our way of life. In order to maintain a healthy society we must not only obey the just laws and resist the unjust ones, we must also work to reform unjust laws.
 

内容点评及修改

这段与前面几段存在着同样的问题,只是重复了观点,没有进一步论证。其实,这三段话基本上没有中心思想,也没有对任何一个观点进行有效的组织和分析论证。而且,给读者反复说一样的话的感觉,这种重复可以通过调整句式避免。其实,最后一段话应该总结全文,但是不要重复前面的语句,完全可以换一种说法。例如,抵制不公正法律古已有之,它还将会改变我们的未来。虽然我们不能够太广泛的、太绝对的说我们有抵制所有不正义法律的责任,但是当必须抵制不正义法律的时刻到来的时候,我们应该这样做。

修改范例

Civil disobedience has its place in history and will probably shape our future. It may be dangerous to assert too broadly that we have a responsibility to disobey unjust laws, but there are times when events require us to do so.

习作总评

造成这篇作文失败的原因是这个作者不知道GRE作文的要求。GRE的作文首先要求作者对题目的复杂性加以了解分析。如果不去探讨题目的复杂性,仅仅看字面的意思,或者让这种宽泛的表达左右你的思想的话,那么你写作时就几乎无话可说了,因为原来的题目看起来像是真理一样。看到这个题目时应当清楚地知道这道题目的重点在于是否要反抗那些非正义的法律。要遵守正义的法律是不需要证实的,不需要去论证的。知道了题目的重点之后还得想到一个问题,就是我们抵抗非正义的法律并不是要无法无天,并不是要反对政府。必须论证反对非正义的法律对社会是有好处的,而不是去制造混乱。要举出例子证明我们反抗非正义的法律怎样使社会进步,使社会受益。所以在第一段就要对原来的题目进行qualify,即把原来的题目的涉及面缩窄。

[1] In almost everyone’s opinions表示一种不确定的语气,其实这个地方没有什么不确定的,不应该用这个词组。而且很多考生在作文时喜欢用不确定的语气说话,是个通病,应予以注意。在开篇点明观点时应体现出作者的自信,将“almost everyone”改为“most”增加开头的力度。

[2]第一句抄了原题中的话,浪费了有限的篇幅。

[3]第二句故意用了个问句并不生动,完全好像是在凑字数。

[4]法律是社会的基础。基础可以说groundwork或是backbone。如果只说fundamental指的是基本知识,基本常识。



点击收听单词发音收听单词发音  

1 discriminate NuhxX     
v.区别,辨别,区分;有区别地对待
参考例句:
  • You must learn to discriminate between facts and opinions.你必须学会把事实和看法区分出来。
  • They can discriminate hundreds of colours.他们能分辨上百种颜色。
2 worthy vftwB     
adj.(of)值得的,配得上的;有价值的
参考例句:
  • I did not esteem him to be worthy of trust.我认为他不值得信赖。
  • There occurred nothing that was worthy to be mentioned.没有值得一提的事发生。
3 unbearable alCwB     
adj.不能容忍的;忍受不住的
参考例句:
  • It is unbearable to be always on thorns.老是处于焦虑不安的情况中是受不了的。
  • The more he thought of it the more unbearable it became.他越想越觉得无法忍受。
4 fanaticism ChCzQ     
n.狂热,盲信
参考例句:
  • Your fanaticism followed the girl is wrong. 你对那个女孩的狂热是错误的。
  • All of Goebbels's speeches sounded the note of stereotyped fanaticism. 戈培尔的演讲,千篇一律,无非狂热二字。
5 immediate aapxh     
adj.立即的;直接的,最接近的;紧靠的
参考例句:
  • His immediate neighbours felt it their duty to call.他的近邻认为他们有责任去拜访。
  • We declared ourselves for the immediate convocation of the meeting.我们主张立即召开这个会议。
6 holocaust dd5zE     
n.大破坏;大屠杀
参考例句:
  • The Auschwitz concentration camp always remind the world of the holocaust.奥辛威茨集中营总是让世人想起大屠杀。
  • Ahmadinejad is denying the holocaust because he's as brutal as Hitler was.内贾德否认大屠杀,因为他像希特勒一样残忍。
7 penalize nSfzm     
vt.对…处以刑罚,宣告…有罪;处罚
参考例句:
  • It would be unfair to penalize those without a job.失业人员待遇低下是不公平的。
  • The association decided not to penalize you for the race.赛马协会决定对你不予处罚。
8 outdated vJTx0     
adj.旧式的,落伍的,过时的;v.使过时
参考例句:
  • That list of addresses is outdated,many have changed.那个通讯录已经没用了,许多地址已经改了。
  • Many of us conform to the outdated customs laid down by our forebears.我们许多人都遵循祖先立下的过时习俗。
9 detriment zlHzx     
n.损害;损害物,造成损害的根源
参考例句:
  • Smoking is a detriment to one's health.吸烟危害健康。
  • His lack of education is a serious detriment to his career.他的未受教育对他的事业是一种严重的妨碍。
10 penalizing 131b6b7509f81de83730275d15a0bbea     
对…予以惩罚( penalize的现在分词 ); 使处于不利地位
参考例句:
  • This is more than just penalizing a company that you are mad at. 她说:这将远远超过惩罚一个你感到不满的公司。
11 injustice O45yL     
n.非正义,不公正,不公平,侵犯(别人的)权利
参考例句:
  • They complained of injustice in the way they had been treated.他们抱怨受到不公平的对待。
  • All his life he has been struggling against injustice.他一生都在与不公正现象作斗争。
12 renaissance PBdzl     
n.复活,复兴,文艺复兴
参考例句:
  • The Renaissance was an epoch of unparalleled cultural achievement.文艺复兴是一个文化上取得空前成就的时代。
  • The theme of the conference is renaissance Europe.大会的主题是文艺复兴时期的欧洲。
13 amend exezY     
vt.修改,修订,改进;n.[pl.]赔罪,赔偿
参考例句:
  • The teacher advised him to amend his way of living.老师劝他改变生活方式。
  • You must amend your pronunciation.你必须改正你的发音。
14 backbone ty0z9B     
n.脊骨,脊柱,骨干;刚毅,骨气
参考例句:
  • The Chinese people have backbone.中国人民有骨气。
  • The backbone is an articulate structure.脊椎骨是一种关节相连的结构。
TAG标签:
发表评论
请自觉遵守互联网相关的政策法规,严禁发布色情、暴力、反动的言论。
评价:
表情:
验证码:点击我更换图片